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Find Agatha Christie novels UK OR US

Brrrrr! When unloved mobster Sam Ratchett dies of stab wounds in snow-entombed wagon-lit, a vigilante jury swiftly covers its tracks. So, whodunit? PA Hector McQueen, English valet Masterman, brash Cyrus Hardman, or greaseball Foscarelli? A woman? Batty Caroline Hubbard, cool Mary Debenham, au pair Greta Olsson, ugly dowager Dragomiroff or butch maid, Hildegarde? Pierre (Dinot) perhaps? Irascible Count Andrenyi? Stolid raj Colonel Arbuthnot? - surely not! Prissy Belgian dick, Hercule Poirot, busts alibis and bares clues to expose a crime-bond: they all loved mafia-murdered Daisy Armstrong. Poirot relents and fingers a swarthy Balkan stranger. "C'est formidable!".

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Find (UK) War & Peace NOW!

US hardback edition, click HERE

Decadent Russian aristos reluctantly shape up to pest from the west in blockbuster prequel to War & Revolution (see 20th Century). Upstart Napoleon Bonaparte, flushed by a win at Austerlitz, goes straight for the Bear's jugular. Meanwhile, diffident hero Pierre Bezuhov inherits fortune, weds, quarrels, loses sex drive and takes up spectating at Borodino main event. Tsar Alexander & co pack off to Petersburg to resume the social calendar. Boney's circus finds snow and scorched earth hard to swallow so finally treks home. Heroine Natasha Rostov works hard on troop morale but all the best men die and she winds up with Pierre. C'est la vie!

When ex-pat Sir Francis Hinsley, officer and gentleman, doyen of the California Cricket Club, is fired from Megalopolitan Studios, his decline and fall comes suddenly - not by a sword of honour, but ignominiously strung up by his own suspenders. Morticians of vile bodies, Barlow and Joyboy, men at arms for the favours of embalmer Aimée Thanetogenos, each lose the bride's head - revisited later when, as a mere handful of dust, she is scooped from the oven in fragments, deathly black.
Mischief? Sure, but the moguls put out more flags in the tacky world of Whispering Glades.

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Find Shakespeare Plays UK OR US

Promising game-show 'Split the Kingdom' goes tragically wrong when two contestants, Tonya and Harding, bend the rules and a third, Nancy Cardigan, forgets her toothbrush. Simple requirements to keep house and pledge endless filial devotion seem too much to grasp. Hostmaster King Lear (catchphrase 'nothing will come of nothing') loses his marbles and goes walkabout with a motley bunch of stage-hands, seeking new format. Still, the non-trivial questions prove too difficult eg. How much sharper than a serpent's tooth is the bite of a thankless child? The show dies when a gibbering idiot takes lead role.

(Sorry, you won't find this on the bookstands!)

Find James Bond books UK OR US

Was it true? Could Blofeld really be cornered in a riverside warehouse? M's voice, though frail, was earnest. The Bentley would be here; the rubber with Drax must wait.
Some hours later, nestling into Nurse Moneypenny's ample bosom, Bond re-savours events: Felix, Q, the whirring rotors, the chase through an erupting volcano. Only his recent prostatectomy spoilt 007's orgasm of delight as the arch-enemy's severed head rolled into the sewer. Bond smiles, clutches his colostomy bag, takes another sip of Dom Perignon '85 and brushes at the yellow patch on his combat suit. That was a tenner well spent!

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Find (UK) The Quiet American NOW!

Find Graham Greene novels UK OR US

Clean-cut, high-minded Harvard graduate gets blood on his shoes whilst playing with dodgey 'plastic' dominoes in Indo-China. World-weary English journalist, Tom Fowler, beats Joan Bakewell to the heart of the matter and resolves ethical issues when the yank nicks his dame. Greene's recurring theme boils down to this: Is it best for a man to do the wrong thing for the right reason or to do nothing for the wrong reason? Why does a Catholic God prefer unshaven, whisky-swilling dope-takers to mom's blueberry pie? And why do women get such a raw deal?

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Find (UK) Pride & Prejudice NOW!

US hardback edition, click HERE

In a bygone regency age, before the invention of comprehensive sex education, courtship was a tortuous hit-and-miss affair. Mr Bennet's prim young daughters, having none of the modern teenager's accoutrements - telephone, Estée Lauder, daddy's car (though a carriage between Longbourn and Netherfield might be arranged) - must rely on native wit and charm in their earnest efforts to get laid. Thus, Fitzwilliam Darcy, though clearly destined for wedding and bedding, plays stuck-up and hard-to-get in a crystal maze of balls and excursions before yielding his virginity to the spirited Elizabeth. Quite ironic by today's standards!

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Find (UK) The French Lieutenant's Woman NOW!

Obsessive sea-gazer, Sarah Woodruff, scans south coast promontories in vain for AWOL hero. Wealthy fossil-hunter takes pity and attempts to lay the ghost of Sarah's francophile past - by laying her! Tut, tut. Such behaviour won't do for straight-laced fiancée Ernestina. Torn between respectability and the thrill of the chase, unhappy Charles succumbs to basic instincts, searches London brothels for the bewitching damsel, and tracks her down in the Lakeland home of a pre-Raphaelite poet. Alas, the redhead herself has anticipated post-Victorian values and become a New Woman.
How unromantic!

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Find (UK) A Passage to India NOW!

US edition, click HERE

Ambitious multi-racial picnic at spooky Marabar caves ends in disarray when Kensington intellectual, Adela Quested, throws a wobbly. "The British and the Indians must keep their place" mocks college principal, Fielding, but the English Club of Chandrapore take him literally and unite in prejudice at the ensuing "insult" trial against muslim courier, Dr Aziz. East-west tensions boil over when silly Miss Q drops stiff upper lip and confesses to first night nerves with boyfriend Ronny. Black or white, right or wrong - it's all the same to hindu Professor Oddbole: he's already high on transcendental rock music!

Following earlier good fortune with a Piece of Waugh, herewith:-

War & Peace
 - The first Eurovision soap opera, commissioned by BBC2, script by Leo Tolstoy

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Find (UK) War & Peace NOW!

US hardback edition, click HERE

Flushed with a win at Austerlitz, Napoleon's army of frogs marches straight for the bear's jugular. Diffident freemason Pierre Bezuhov gets rich, weds, quarrels, loses sex drive, spectates at Borodino main event then joins popular patriotic front in Moscow. Tsar Alexander, evading the pest from the west, decamps with hoi polloi to Petersburg and resumes social calendar. Boney's circus tires of scorched earth and treks off home through the snow. Forces favourite Natasha Rostov finds all the heroes have died and winds up with Pierre. Quel dommage!

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Find Steinbeck's Grapes of Wrath UK OR US

Name's Joad. This's sister Ruthie. We come all away ta Californie in that there beat-up Hudson on accounta Oklahoma's all dried to dust an' all. Granpa died afore we hit Texas. Now Granma ain't s'good an' Ma she done cooked up all the salt pork so Tom'n'Al'n'Unca'John gotta pick fruit fer lessen a dime a box jes t'eat. Casy 'gun preachin' this warn't no promised land an' got hisself killed. Ma nursed Rosasharn when she was a-yellin' with chile, 'cept the baby din live. My pa'd get awf'l mad iffen he figgered we wuz beggin'. Sure 'preciate this sticka candy, tho'.

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Find (UK) Treasure Island NOW!

US hardback edition, click HERE

"It was the crew that troubled me". But anatomical defects and grog-related medical afflictions are but trifles for loose-talking magistrate, Squire Trelawney, as he sets sail with fifteen of the blackest swabs, lubbers and sea-dogs ever to be seen on a dead man's chest. Youthful Jim Hawkins, already witness to the dreadful black spot and early demise of Blind Puw, joins the search for Captain Flint's doubloons. After much buckling of swashes, shivering of Long John Silver's timbers, mutiny and mayhem, the treasure is pinpointed by Ben Gunn, a witless refugee from community care. Yo, ho, ho!

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Find (UK) I, Claudius NOW!

US hardback edition, click HERE

I, C-C-C-Claudius dedicate these annals of our wretched times to Rupertus Murdochulus, the noted republican, to be buried for some future graves robber to unearth for posterity. Oh that I, bold Drusus' son, may some day w-w-w-walk tall like my illustrious ancestors....well, those that weren't vile monsters! Take Livia, my poisonous grandmother, she bumped off all the best Claudians so that gloomy Tiberius could do bestial things to little boys. Then cousin Caligula - what a nutter, and with his sisters, too! Well, I'm Emperor now. Next thing's God. I just worry for sweet, shy Messalina - it's sure to go to her h-h-h-head!

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Find Beatrix Potter books UK OR US

Eponymous mischief-maker enters centenary records as the first rodent streaker. Reckless forager, Peter, is caught in flagrante pigging out on fresh radishes and chased by crusty, rake-brandishing Scot gardener, shouting "Stop, Thief!". Exhausted, ensnared, Peter prepares to meet Mrs McGreggor's pie-crust when some friendly sparrows implore him to exert himself (sic, yuk!). Stripping naked, Peter ducks and dives round potting shed, seeks assistance from mouse fellow-scrumper, evades white cat and escapes to freedom. Returning home minus personal effects, our hero is sent to bed with herbal poison whilst goody-goody sisters sup on blackberry yogurt.

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Find (UK) The Thurber Carnival NOW!

US hardback edition, click HERE

Timid, hen-pecked Walter Mitty (alias Mathau) suffers truculent cops, taunting car-park attendants and condescending shop-assistants by retreating into surrealist do-or-die roles which owe more to Robert Mitchum than Salvador Dali. Taunted in extremis, our menopausal male balks at final humiliation when spouse Mitty ("It's one of your days") brandishes her thermometer. Confident of a Telegraph obituary, he leans cockily against the shop-front wall, snaps open a Zippo, takes one deep drag from a Lucky Strike, refuses the handkerchief and cooly faces his firing squad. Brillig.

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Find (UK) The Third Man NOW!

Hard-up hack, Holly Martins, seeks loan repayment from lost buddy, Harry Lime, last seen playing zither in post-war, rubble-strewn Vienna. No chance! Amidst allegations of black market racketeering, spreading meningitis and seducing demure Czech actresses, dear Harry has conveniently escaped the heat in a cool Austrian grave. But who was the shadowy third man in the crowdless street where Lime "died"? Not Kim Philby, anyway! When the fresh corpse is named Joseph Harbin, lost hospital orderly, entire Viennese population spies from a ferris wheel to track down the sewer rat responsible.

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Find (UK) Frankenstein NOW!

US hardback edition, click HERE

Over-zealous undergraduate, disciple of Cornelius Agrippa, practices spare parts surgery and creates Gothic version of the Bionic Yetti. But this 8-foot snowman is no ordinary abomination. Gifted with extraordinary powers of open learning, sensitive to goodness and beauty, Frankenstein's chimerical peeping tom is perplexed by man's inhumanity. Consumed with self doubt (after reading Paradise Lost) our Noble Savage arms up with Shelley's alpine holiday snaps and runs amok with Victor's nearest and dearest. Meeting his guilt-ridden maker and pleading in vain for a Mrs Monster, both embark on unlikely boat trips for arctic self-destruction rendez-vous.

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Find André Gide titles UK OR US

1893 franco-italian version of The Sting. Shallow hypochondriac, Amedée Fleurissoire, is sent on a Crusade for the Deliverance of the Pope whom three French marigolds suppose imprisoned in St Angelo's Tower. Farce turns sour when Fleurissoire is pushed from train by perfidious Lafcadio Wluiki, Rumanian half-brother of Julius de Baraglioul and childhood buddy of "Millipede" swindler, Protos. Youthful Wluiki, a complex, introverted character dedicated to motiveless acts of heroism, altruism and murder confronts The Truth when Baraglioul's daughter offers sex and spiritual salvation in exchange for a Catholic Confession and Protos as fall-guy.

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(This one nearly caught me out. Until reading A S Byatt's Possession I didn't think a decent book had been written in the 90's so I used this one. Don't buy it, it's rubbish!)

Find Philip Kerr novels UK OR US

Techno-thriller containing numerous additions to Chambers (gynocide, televideodisc etc). With aid of undergraduate notes, author predicts fin-de-siecle deterministic view of criminology in which LOMBROSO computer system tracks somatogenic (screw-less) males, through DNA tagging system, before they actually commit "recreational" sex-crimes. Homophobic jewess, DCI "Jake" Jakovicz, smokes nicofree cigarettes, rejects phallocentric methods and employs two-dimensional (bisexual) techniques to collar gadget-freak Paul Esterhazy (codename Wittgenstein), serial killer-rapist and ectomorphic assassin of fellow VMN-negative males. Bet the real Ludwig didn't have a black rubber Reality Approximation Outfit!

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Find (UK) Animal Farm NOW!

Find George Orwell novels UK OR US

Old Major, a prize white boar - on last legs but otherwise unrelated to recent unprized grey bore^* - appeals to revolting animals: You have nothing to lose but your yokes. So, quadrupeds rule. OK, until bipedal mode is mastered by elite porkers. Napoleon (Stalin) and secret police pig, Squealer, oust Snowball (Trotsky) and slide into tyranny. Uncomplaining carthorse, Boxer, builds and rebuilds the New Order but finally gives up, knackered. All set-backs are blamed on Snowball. Eventually, surplus (ie stolen) produce is traded with the Old Order in a new enterprise called "Pig in a Poker game".

^*John Major, PM (for those with short memories)

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Find (UK) Bleak House NOW!

US hardback edition, click HERE

John Jarndyce erects windbreaks in attempt to guard proteges from Coodles and Doodles. Dame Durden, do-gooder, delivers door-to-door debt-counselling and discovers ghost of Esther Rantzen, a love-child, in Lady Dedlock's cupboard. Chancery lawyers, cloaked in fog, redistribute sovereign wealth via a street-urchin to reveal secrets in Lady D's steamy past. Inspector Bucket, concerned with keeping up appearances, runs thrilling but fruitless coach-chases up and down the Great North Road. Cameo eccentrics provide delightful backdrop and a new ingredient - spontaneous combustion - adds interest to the usual poverty, grime, selfishness and hypocrisy.

(World Cup version)

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Find (UK) War & Peace NOW!

US hardback edition, click HERE

Epic chronicle of the lives, loves, wins and losses of three great Russian football families shaping up to world cup fever. Flushed with a win against Austria, Napoleon's French team mount a frontal attack against Russia. After a disputed penalty shoot-out at the Bears' Borodino stadium, manager Tsar Alexandra takes his ball away to Petersburg. Boney's reserve team find training difficult on scorched earth and, when snow stops play, the stragglers trundle off home. Meanwhile, punter Pierre Bezuhov forms the new Patriot's team in Moscow, cheerleader Natasha Rostov works hard on team morale but left-back Andrei ends up a stretcher case, other stars get red cards and she winds up spectating with Pierre. C'est la vie!